I can’t lie.
The past few days I have been so disheartened; like door after door is being closed in my face. I honestly am not sure what my next step should be, I don’t know which direction to head in with my life, and if I ever do have an idea it seems impossible.
Look, I know that God has a plan. I know I shouldn’t worry, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes, even though I know I am being irrational, I can’t help it. It’s easy knowing you shouldn’t feel how you do, it’s not so easy not feeling the way you do.
I believe God has a plan for me, however it is hard when you feel like you don’t have a clue about what you are doing with your life. Sure, God has a plan, but what if I miss it or screw it up?
True. I absolutely do not have that much power. There is no way I could mess up God’s plan, but it can be so easy to fall in to that way of thinking.
It can be so easy to feel like I am not enough.
Everyone I talk to about how I feel doesn’t seem to worry. They say things like, “oh you’re young, you will figure it out!”, or “that’s just what your early 20’s are like”, or even “well, some people never really figure it out”.
Well, that’s comforting.
All of these answers are confusing. My head spins faster and I feel even more lost.
They say fake it till you make it, well what good does that do? Everyone is struggling somehow, and if we all walk around acting like we have it all together then will we ever truly figure anything out? The best thing we could do, in my opinion, is be honest with each other.
And, you guys, if I’m being honest, at times I feel like a complete mess.
I feel unqualified for almost everything, and sometimes I feel like an absolute phony.
No matter what age or stage you are it in life, it can be debilitating when you don’t have a plan heading forward. It’s so hard when you have dreams, but you don’t know how to bring them into existence. It’s even worse when you feel like you are the absolute only person feeling this way.
Listen, I’m not writing this for pity. I simply write it because something I have learned is that If I am struggling with something, I am probably not the only one.
I want to remind you that if you feel completely lost and unqualified, then you are definitely not alone.
We are a culture that is compulsively obsessed with ensuring that our lives look put together and picture perfect (literally). We are people that are taught to say “I’m fine” when we are anything but. We are masters of showcasing a life of poise and composure. We are skilled at making sure that others see no chink in our armour. We never show the messy, and I’m particularly bad at this.
I HATE showing people my flaws. It makes me feel like I’m weak. While this is something I am actively working on, I am still far from perfecting the act of being vulnerable. This is actually one of the reasons I started my blog, to help me open up more. The growth I have seen in myself since starting this journey has been tremendous, but I realize that I still hide so much. Which is fine to an extent, it is my life, I don’t have to share everything. However, I want to see change, and in my opinion to see change you have to change.
I’m not sure, maybe my life looks pretty put-together from your perspective. However, I never show myself crying to Wayde at night because I feel so lost with my life. I didn’t share with you the actually sick-feeling I got in my stomach when I put “blogger” in my Instagram bio because I felt fake (like who am I kidding?). I don’t’ share with you the insecurity I feel when everyone around me seems to have everything figured out and have “adult jobs”. I don’t share my desperate need for approval and acceptance (which I am furiously working to stop doing, but I still care!).
My life is great, but it’s also a mess. And I think that’s kind of normal. I feel like we are all rushing to have everything figured out, or at least we rush to be able to put on the façade that we have everything figured out.
I don’t have much figured out, but I do know that it is okay to struggle while getting to wherever it is you are going. It’s okay to admit you don’t know. I think the struggle will make the destination all the more beautiful (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).
I have come to realize that I am in such a rush to have everything figured out, or at least to pretend I do. But where am I rushing? There is no merit in rushing through life like a hurricane and trying covering up the growth pains of trying to get your life “together”.
It sounds like a rush to nowhere.
Why rush when I don’t even know where I want to end up?
So, here’s the truth: I have no clue what I am doing with my life. Usually, that is something I can laugh at, and other times that feels like a weight crushing me. Right now, I feel crushed.
But, I guess that’s part of the process. It’s part of the ugly and tough process of getting to the right place at the right pace, no rush.