Getting Moldy

Alright friends, it has been brought to my attention that I have a lot of sharing to do that I seem to have skipped over!

Within the past few weeks I have received numerous comments and questions surrounding my “why”. So, this post is all about delving into my “why”.

Why did I start this blog? Why am I still keeping at it? Why have I been sharing on my Instagram more these days?

Here’s my answer: stop being nosy.

JUST KIDDING….

I’m going to try take you back to the beginning of this journey for me. So, sit down and buckle up.

Let’s back track here to about 4 months ago (right after my wedding and honeymoon)…

There I was; a recent graduate in a new city, no solid grounding in that city, and (the real kicker here) no job. Not only no job, but no stinking idea what I wanted to do with my life. All the ideas I had previously envisioned for my life had drifted away and lost their shine. Their appeal was gone. With their leave of absence I was left in the dust frantically spinning round-and-round in search of answers.

I had always (ridiculously) imagined that having no job would involve a lot more adventuring.

Well, I have never been more wrong. I forgot that to do most things you need 1) money 2) people to do them with. I was a newlywed with no job (so no money) and all of my friends and my husband had jobs (so no one could do things with me). That left me as the dutiful housewife (ugh).

After just a few weeks of cleaning and cooking non-stop I began to realize why trophy-wives have a reputation for having a cocktail too many.

You guys, I was not made to stay in and clean and cook all day. Not only was I going crazy for human interaction, but I was really down in the dumps. I felt useless. I had no drive, no ambition, and absolutely no passion.  My days were a blur of grey with small bursts of colour every now and then.

It was a really low point for me.

Don’t get me wrong. I loved being married to Wayde and I loved being in Calgary. My life wasn’t bad, it’s just that most of my days were spent alone and at home; that takes a toll on a person.

I was left with nothing to distract myself with, I was desperate for direction. I turned to the only place I knew; day-after-day I cried out to God looking for help and answers. Yet, I felt no doors opening for me.

However, every time I cried out to God in search of answers, what I did get was a small whisper that floated across my heart. The whisper left two words that I could not shake: wait and write.

Um, okay God, but write what?

I was overwhelmed.

I decided to just start writing out small thoughts, revelations, and simply writing about the things I saw (like nature). Each day I wrote just a little bit: a sentence here, maybe a short paragraph every now-and-then. As the days went by, it began to be something that I looked forward to each day. I yearned to spill my heart out onto paper.

I began to pour out things that were weighing down on my heart, and I began to feel a sense of reconciliation with who I was as I wrote.

Then one day, I remembered that I had a blog domain that I had created almost two years ago and had never used. So, I started to write on there. I didn’t post them, I would just leave everything I wrote in my drafts; never to be seen by another human.

I was never going to post what I wrote.

Eventually though,  I felt a constant urge to just push that “publish” button. One day, hesitantly, I just swallowed down my pride and pushed it.

I was never going to tell anyone that I had actually posted anything. I would keep posting these posts just for me, and no one would ever know!

At least that’s what I thought; of course, God had other plans.

As the weeks ticked by, the call on my heart to tell people that I had started this blog became so heavy that I could not ignore it. I dragged my feet for as long as I could to avoid it. Eventually, I talked with my husband and a trusted friend seeking advice, hoping they would tell me that I didn’t need to publicize my blog to people. But, of course they didn’t.

I struggled because I HATED the idea of exposing myself like that. Like, it’s a no from me, thanks though. I just felt ridiculous! Who was I that anyone would care what I had to say, or what I was going through.

I worried what people would think. I felt as if I had built myself into a mold of what people expected from me, and if I broke that mold how would people respond? Would they hate the me that I was showing? Would they call me a phony?

I wanted to stay in my box. My safe box.

THEN I realized that I was allowing the labels appointed to me from others to control me. I was using those labels as identifiers rather than finding my identity in Christ. I suddenly had an epiphany: I was so comfortable in the mold that I had allowed myself into that I was getting moldy.

I was rotting away in a mold that I had allowed others to construct for me; and that I, in-turn, had willingly stayed in.

Not only this, but I was hit with the fact that I was living a lukewarm life. YUCK.  No-one likes lukewarm water and no-one likes a lukewarm person. As Revelations 3:15 says,

“I know all the things you do, that you are neither hot nor cold. I wish that you were one or the other! But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!”

As my good friend often reminds me, a spirit of fear is not from God (2 Timothy 1:7). I was fearful over the opinion of people, but God has told me not to be fearful, but to have a spirit filled with power, love, and self-discipline.

Growth does not happen in safe, growth does not happen in lukewarm. Growth happens when you take a risk and step out in faith. I had to stop living in fear, and just do something! I did not want to be lukewarm anymore, so had to decide which path I was going to choose: fear of people, or love and power within Jesus.

With a big kick in the butt from those around me, I pushed past my own doubts. I pushed past my craving to remain within the mold that I felt had been declared over my life. Instead, I broke the mold and took charge over the narrative I wanted my life to have.

Honestly, I still struggle with posting my blogs sometimes. I especially struggle when I go to share on Instagram and Facebook that I have a new blog post up. Some days I just want to throw in the towel, because what’s the point?

Here is the point: I have a clarity and truth in my life that I have not had in years, or maybe ever. Posting my blog and being more open has helped me begin the journey of shaking off the fear of the opinions of others. In it’s place I have been journeying into love and power.

However,  shaking off the fear is not an easy task for me. I have to work each day to step out of my comfort zone and open up. Hence the increased sharing on social media. I challenged myself to post more in my feed and in my stories to remind myself that there shouldn’t be fear felt in sharing my life.

It is freeing to post what I want and when I want, rather than stick to some unspoken rule on Instagram that we shouldn’t post too much. I mean, you guys, it’s a social media. We should be social on it!

Anyways, in a nutshell, that’s my “why”. I don’t do it because it’s natural and easy for me. I have to work to shake off the mold that creeps into my life.

Stepping out of my comfort zone and breaking out of the mold was (and still is) difficult.

BUT, the growth, the strength, the joy, and the new confidence in who I truly am has been mind-blowing. Not to mention the people who have reached out to cheer me on and encourage me have lifted my spirits, and unknowingly bolstered my faith in the warmth and lovingness of people.

While there may be a lot of people out there who roll their eyes at my blog, there are so many more who care and loudly cheer me on. So, to the person reading this that feels stuck in a mold, to the person who feels like they are getting moldy, to the person scared to go for it because of what people might think; listen to me: there may be people who will roll their eyes and laugh, but the people who matter will cheer you on and revel in seeing you step into yourself.

In addition, and probably more importantly, the growth you will experience, the new joy you will find, and the freedom you will soar into, is exponentially worth it!

I’m sick of all the faux rules and confining molds we allow ourselves to be governed by.

Our lives are short; in fact, they are but a breath (Psalm 39:5).

Stop getting moldy sitting in the middle being lukewarm; step out in faith.

~S~

 

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